


I and Love and You

by shayzgirl



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Disabled Character, Depressed Charles, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Love, M/M, Post-Cuba
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-04
Updated: 2012-01-04
Packaged: 2017-10-28 21:22:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/312307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shayzgirl/pseuds/shayzgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the lies Charles had been telling himself over the last few weeks came crashing down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I and Love and You

Charles watched Moira climb into her car and drive away. After the car finally disappeared from view and he could no longer feel her mind, did his attention turn back to his current surroundings. Sean, Alex, and even Hank were out in the yard playing a three man game of football. Watching them, all the lies Charles had been telling himself over the last few weeks came crashing down.

_I’ll be able to walk again after I recover._

_Raven will be back._

_Erik will return to me._

A tight coil of pain wrapped itself around his heart, searing his chest. He forced back the tears and wheeled himself into the house. In the solitude of his room, now on the first floor instead of the third, he let the tears fall. He was no longer Professor Xavier or even Charles Xavier. He was just Charles, a man who’d lost so much in a single moment.

_My ability to walk._

_My sister._

_My friend._

The coil tightened when he thought of the last one and he sobbed. No, not friend. Never just his friend. A man he’d come to truly, deeply care for. A man he hoped, thought, cared about him just as much. A fool’s hope…

_“I want you by my side.”_

It was his fault that they were gone. He said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, and pushed away everyone he loved. He knew what he said to Erik was wrong but hadn’t been able to stop the words from escaping his mouth. He knew reading Raven’s mind broke their promise, would push her away, but he did it anyway. And his legs, his damn legs were because of his damn pride. He’d still been able to feel them, move them even, until he’d tried to stand up after Erik had left him. He tried to stand, to prove to someone, everyone, himself that he was all right and it had backfired against him.

It would only be a matter of time before the boys left too. Another coil of pain, as Charles hoped-prayed-feared that it would happen sooner rather than later. He knew the only reason they hadn’t left already, hadn’t gone with Erik and Raven was because of Erik’s rage against them that day on the beach. It made them feel like they had loyalty to Charles, but he knew that they wouldn’t keep loyalty with a man who was useless. They wouldn’t pick a leader who shut them out, who wanted to shut out the world, who wanted to…

Charles didn’t know what he wanted. Well, he did. He wanted, more than anything, was Erik. Wanted to see him again, talk to him, hell even just look at him again, and have Erik looking at him, like they’d looked at each other that day with the satellite. Before the president’s address, he’d wanted to say something to Erik, tell him all the things he’d been trying so hard to keep in.

He’d meant to tell him during their chess game, but the conversation turned into a morals and ethics debate, which wasn’t appropriate for declaring your undying love for someone. No moment had seemed the right moment after that and then… then Erik was gone.

Charles wished he could go back, change something, anything. Go back to just after the satellite. Instead of heading inside right away, tell Erik how he felt then. Or maybe go back to the chess game, screw the debate and just tell him. Or even the morning of, before they headed out, before finding the disaster of Hank’s lab. Or even on the beach, in his arms. Give a different answer to the one he’d given. But no, he couldn’t go back, couldn’t change the past. Couldn’t hold onto the man he loved. More tears fell and Charles reached out with his mind, trying desperately, impossibly, brokenly to find Erik.

_Please Erik._

_Hear me._

_I need you._

_I want you._

_I love you._

The coil in his chest tightened, encasing his heart in pain, in longing, in loss, already so broken that instead of shattering, it just collapsed in on itself, like a dying star. Charles clutched at his chest, feeling like he couldn’t breathe. He gasped for air, his body shaking with sobs. He’d lost him. Forever. He’d never have Erik back. Taking shaky breaths, Charles began to attempt to wall off his heart or what was left of it.

_“Never again.”_

Erik’s own words bounced around in his head, as he thought of never wanting to love anyone else. Not like he loved Erik. He knew, as he built the wall around his heart, he’d always love Erik. It would only ever be Erik.  
His sobs finally began to stop with that realization and the coiling pain in his chest turned to a dull ache. He wiped away the remaining tears on his face, turning to look out the window, looking at the satellite that still stood facing the mansion. He continued to stare at it, as day became night, ignoring the questions from the boys, ignoring everything except the ache in his chest.

_Erik, I love you. If you can hear me, that’s what I should have said that day. Would it have been enough to stop you? Would it have been enough for you to stay with me? To choose me? I know what it feels like to die for you. I’d do it again. If only it meant you’d be with me._

_I love you._


End file.
